viperj's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an open letter to the world I sent an email to linda. This the last email i've ever sent her, I just felt like addressing it to you. Hi pooper. I dont know why I'm even writing you, but lately i've been having these dreams about you, and its really gotta stop. I'm sending you this short and brief email just to let you know how I stand. I got into a relationship with you because when I met you I felt a strong vibe with you, and I felt totally connected with you. It somewhat bugged me that you had a child, but i never held it against you, it more than took me off guard, but i dealt with it,and I accepted it. Then we started going out,and we totally clicked even more, way more than I ever coulda imagined. I felt like you were real, and totally the ideal person for me. I seriously thought that. Then I read your diary, and well, I found out you lied to me about some stuff. After that, our relationship went downhill. Then, probobly the biggest night of my life in the last three or four years happened, and we had sex. Yeah. What a night that was. Anyways, about two weeks after my big night, you end things and on top of it all, you break up with me over the internet. Now, you said it shouldnt matter how you did it, as long as you did it? Well, what really bothers me is that you told me you loved me as you said goodbye to me. How could you love me if you had to break up with me? If you really loved me you would want me by your side. You would've wanted my support to get you thru the stuff you needed to get thru, but of course thats not how it works and according to you; support is me not having any contact with you. I can understand that you have other commitments and all that other jazz, and you need time to do your own thing...but I dont think you loved me, you couldnt have loved me. I got a voice message from you a couple of days after you broke up with me, It coulda been old, I have no idea, but i deleted all the messages the prior night, so i dont know how it works. I really was hoping that you wanted to work things out with me again. I was so happy just to hear your voice again, there was something about your voice t hat makes me settled and comfortable. I dont deny ever feeling anything less than what I felt for you, I know it was love, it was so strong and it felt so good, something ive never felt before, and because of that, I was hurt, and even a big part of me is still hurting. I cant be with you, because you're doing your own thing. I've been dreaming about your new boyfriend, Like i said before I get these dreams and their real, so who knows, im sure someone is holding your hand right now. I dont even know why I'm sending you this email, but I think for the most part I need closure so I can move on, because with what happeend, I have no idea how to find closure, because I dont know if your going to call me soon and come back to me, or you're not going to call me back. I know that I wasnt a great boyfriend, and I'm not begging for you back, I'd never do that, but like I said, I need closure. I need to know if things are going to work out, or if we're going to even have a friendship, because as much as I love you, I too need to move on. I cant keep holding onto the fact that things still might work for us. I'm at the point where I know its not going to happen, I just wish you didnt tell me you loved me. saying you love someone is precious and personal, and it gets thrown around so often. It was so hard for you to tell me that, and then leave me just like that. I've been hurting so much, and everytime i walk up the stairs to go upstairs in Polo I ge t nervous because i might see your face, and just seeing you would make me so happy, and I know you work right there(you might not anymore) and as much as I want to see you, I know I cant, because even with all those feelings I used to have, i pretty much cant have them anymore. It's been the longest two weeks of my life.
I just want you to know that no matter what your doing or how you're feeling, you are being thought of, and im thinking about you atleast once or twice a day. I wanna be friends, but I realize it might be a little too early for that because of the way things are, or how they could be. I miss you in my life, it just hasnt been the same. I'm taking a chance by emailing you, you never said I couldn't email you, but you mighta blocked me and made sure anything I sent, wont go to you, I can understand that. So yeah, I want you to know that i'm doing allright, and that I hope your okay and your dealing with things you gotta handle. I got a gig on december 28th @ the zoo, its going to be off the hook. Theres like 13 bands playing,and we're like fourth to play, so i'm stoked about it. I've bought a couple of Independent t-shirts,and i still plan on getting the logo tat'd on my arm. Schools fine, im working my ass off, I've been hanging out with Jimmy and Stevo and Jason all the time, we're going on a snowboarding trip for a few days. I dyed my hair black, so i get hit on by tons of younger girls, its a great thing i tell ya. I dont expect anything back, It would be nice to hear from you via cell phone, but I wont cross my fingers. I want peace and I want to know that what we had wasnt meant to be, thats all I need to know, and then if so, I'll never bug you again, and ill give you all the time you need. I dont want to be a drag down in your life anymore. You know how to get a hold of me. From James oh listen to the song "promise" by Matchbook romance I'll never forget the no use show. Best show of my life, and I think you know why. 12:39 p.m. - December 03.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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